Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
