Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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