one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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