I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
