the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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