Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
