When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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