24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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