There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
