I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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