Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
