The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
