its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
do herpes really smell.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
