You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
