I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
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