is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
