franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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