After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
