Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
