happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
