I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A bitchslap is in order.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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