She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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