when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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