EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
