Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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