you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she looked like the before picture.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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