He uses pillows to masturbate.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
