apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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