you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?