i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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