Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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