Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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