my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
