why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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