Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
