Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
