would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
