This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
