I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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