it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
