It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
