I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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