Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
