I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
