when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
