We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
