My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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