Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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