this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
