I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize