She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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