My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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