I wannas sexs uuuuu
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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