i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
