my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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