watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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