im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
